V is for Violence: Five Films to Watch for a V-Day HorrorFest

What started as a tongue in cheek joke in college (dorm room full of sorority sisters, snacks, and a Netflix DVD of Number One on this list), has really become a bit of a tradition. We all know Valentine's Day is a played out Hallmark Holiday that has more roots in capitalism than in anything sentimental. So why not spend the time and energy you would spend on scrambling for dinner reservations, mastering that red velvet cupcake recipe you found on Pinterest, and trying to make your makeup look like an Instagram filter, and instead watch something that will scare your elastic waist pants off? In other news, I'm single, so maybe bring those cupcakes anyway. Don't worry, I'm not completely heartless - you can find some aspect of (warped, twisted) love in all these films.

Number Five: Jennifer's Body

This is, in my opinion, the only time Megan Fox has been in any way likable, and of course its as a bloodthirsty possessed cheerleader. With a knock out lady staffed team (Karyn Kusama directing, and Diablo Cody as screenwriter), this black comedy horror film features Amanda Seyfried as the almost believably dorky Needy, lifelong best friends with the bossy and privileged Jennifer. Jennifer oozes sex appeal while Seyfried's beauty is unconvincingly hid behind a pair of glasses and baggy skirts. Its not too long before Jennifer is punished for her sexiness as a satanic indie rock band tries to sacrifice her to Satan- only it backfires, investing her with the powers of a succubus. Maybe Jennifer's Body's biggest weakness is how much territory it tries to cover in one film - stretching to portray the thin (and apparently erotic) line between friendship and obsession and female sexuality as both a weapon and a vulnerability, all the while spinning a movie that is both funny and scary. 

Number Four: Warm Bodies

Look, a love story! In a post zombie apocalypse world, R, a zombie played by Skins heart breaker Nicholas Hoult, meets human Julie while she's foraging outside of the local fortress of survivors. I'm a big zombie fan, probably because I love being terrified of a virus based pandemic that destroys social structures. Warm Bodies is a little too light hearted for my tastes in zombie horror, but it is an original work that expands on the canon of horror. Hoult still manages to look freaking cute even as a rotting corpse, and his American accented narration is funny (even if the zombie nerd in me was like, UNREALISTIC, ZOMBIES AREN'T SENTIENT). Warm Bodies wins for best soundtrack, no contest.

Number Three: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

This was a labor of love, spending seven years in post-production hell as the filmmakers pushed to see it released. Mandy Lane finally saw a theater release in October 2013, and has been lauded by horror film enthusiasts since then. Its a quiet, simple film, and one of the more beautifully shot on this list. Mandy is the outcast who "developed" over the summer and is now the target of every jock at school. She's invited to spend a weekend at a ranch with some other pretty teens, and from there the film launches from sunny, liquor soaked shenanigans to something much darker. This film plays with horror tropes- sexy teens in a cabin!, and also social tropes- the threatening lust of young men for a vulnerable girl. What director Jonathan Levine (yes, from number four fame!) manages to accomplish doesn't have a lot of jump out scares or even grisly gore, but it is distinctly horrifying and dreadful. 

Number Two: Thirst (Bakjwi)

Park Chan-wook is one of my favorite directors of horror - his ultraviolent Vengeance trilogy, especially Oldboy, can't be set in just the "foreign horror" box. And 2013's Stoker was beautiful, eerie, and packed a satisfyingly bloody punch. Thirst is equal parts vampire film and morality play, taking inspiration from a Zola novel about murderous lovers. A Catholic priest battles his bloodthirsty vampiric impulses and his lust for his friend's wife - what a metaphor! Atmospheric and moody, Chan-wook does an excellent job combining horror with high concept film making.

Number One: Teeth

The film that started it all. Teeth has been giving men nightmares for years (starting with my unwitting male friends I tricked into watching it). Its the story of a young woman who learns she is born with vagina dentata. If you aren't sure what that means, I picture the Sarlacc Pit from Return of the Jedi. In a vagina. Its not too long before the heroine is using her evolutionary gifted power for justice. Note, I really don't care for rape revenge horror films (Black Rock, Last House on the Left), and Teeth has aspects of that, but I manage to overlook an attempted assault scene because I consider this a worthwhile film, and not exploitative. Its hailed as a black comedy, but it doesn't have the same jokes or humorous dialogue as Jennifer's Body or Warm Bodies. Instead, its weird and satirical, more absurdist than laugh out loud.